I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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