Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
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