Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
