Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
