I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
