I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
