we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
