dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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