He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
