I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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