Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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