I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Edward fifth and chaser hands
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
