he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
