my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
