please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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