hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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