Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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