are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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