i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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