I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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