Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
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