so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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