I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
