Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
