these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Randomize
