Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
