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Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
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