we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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