the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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