Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
