Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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