I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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