I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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