We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
