Define "chronic" masturbator.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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