Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
