We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
