i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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