I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
