there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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