I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
