i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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