She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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