it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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