Old men and throwing up are my life now.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
