I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
