So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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