I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
