Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I got inside last night via doggy door
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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