Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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