Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
