I can text with my tongue
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
