last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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