I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
