I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
