I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
