before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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