I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
