Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
