like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize